As many of you know, I'm currently writing my dissertation for a Ph.D. program in political science at George Washington University. Or at least that's supposed to be what I'm doing. I should have been finished with the dissertation by now. I've been my program for five years and finished my comprehensive exams over two years ago. (I keep making myself feel better with the statistic that the average Ph.D. in the U.S. takes 6 years. However, I came in with a Masters' degree from the LSE plus a year in the Ph.D. program at Ohio State. In other words, I have no excuse for not being done.) I've gone through multiple dissertation topics. Currently, I am writing on my fourth. I haven't actually held a position at the University over a year (in the past I've been a teaching assistant, research assistant, and worked for a journal). So I have had nothing to do for the past year but write. However, I just can't seem to do it. I just can't write a dissertation and I don't know why.
First problem - I do admit that I am a giant procrastinator. I was the person in undergrad who wrote papers the night before. Since I'm a very good researcher and paper writer (I don't think it's too egotistical to admit that), I could get away with it and get good grades. I also did very well in graduate courses, even with putting off the reading until the day before. That's because I'm also quite good at explaining the main ideas in readings and being able to criticize them (an important skill for graduate students). But now I have no deadlines, no professors looking over my shoulder, no final grade to be made. All I have is the vague notion that I need to write what is equivalent to a book within the span of a few years. That is the death-knell for a mega-procrastinator like myself.
Second problem - I hate political science. I've been slowly realizing this over the past few years. When I left the Ph.D. program at Ohio State, I seriously considered applying to Ph.D. programs in cultural anthropology. Instead, I came to DC and worked at the UN. While that made me realized I needed to be in academia, for some reason I decided to return to political science. I guess I figured I already knew political science and had invested time into it already, so I could finish my Ph.D. quicker. Boy was I wrong! I also overestimated my ability to tolerate being at the margins of the discipline. Sure, I've met a great community of folks who share my "alternative" perspective on the discipline, but I am sick of having to justify my approach and interests all the time. And if I got an academic job in political science, most of my teaching would have to conform to mainstream of the discipline, which don't agree with.
Third problem - I hate politics. Even if I could suck it up and accept my status as "outside the mainstream," I am just not that interested in the subject matter of politics any more. I think I jut burned out. I was so intensely into politics and international relations through high school and undergrad, that I think I used up all my interest in those areas. So even if I found a great teaching position with a department sympathetic to my perspective on the discipline, I would still have to teach about substantive topics related to politics.
Fourth problem - I really don't have to work. I don't to talk about this publicly, but I will mention it now. (Why do blogs make you feel like you can write things you normally wouldn't say?) I have family money. I will not starve or be living on the streets. I have lived comfortably for the past 15 years since I left home on inheritance. I have been seriously thinking about this of late. If I was broke like (almost) every other graduate student, would I be done by now? And if I had to have made all my own money, would I have chosen academia as my career? I'm not criticizing my family for the financial choices they made. I have gotten to have some amazing experiences because of the flexibility of my financial position. But I can't help thinking "what if?" especially in this time of crisis.
The bottom line - I'm almost 33 years old and I feel like I've never really had a career or done anything meaningful in my life that was work-related.
So what are my options?
Academically, my sympathies lie more in cultural studies. So I could start a new Ph.D program in something like American Studies. I am fascinated by the academic study of popular culture, and I personally consume quite a lot of it (a.k.a. I watch too much TV). Right now, my political science dissertation is on the influence of the globalization of American culture on international politics. I also have an interest in the cultural aspects of interior design and modernism. (Interesting research question - what does the way someone decorated their house say about their identity? What image are they trying to project and how does this interact with broader cultural movements?) I could study both of these in an American Studies program. Also, my Mom has done academic work in American Studies and writes about folklore and legends. I could collaborate with her if I switched to this field. George Washington and Maryland have well-regarded American Studies departments, and George Mason has an intriguing-looking program in Cultural Studies. I could adjunct in political science while I was working on the new Ph.D. for some extra moo-lah. The big question is whether I could get a handle on my procrastination if I was researching something I truly found interesting?
As I mentioned in a previous post, I have a secret desire to be an archaeologist. I could start a new graduate degree in that field. Maryland and UVA have anthropology programs where one can emphasize on archeology. Of course, this could just be a silly childhood fantasy. But if the academic side didn't work out, I could always do cultural resource management or work at a museum.
Also mentioned in a past blog entry is my secret desire to have a career in modernist interior design - not as an academic but as an actual designer or buyer. I certainly don't have the background to enter most graduate programs in the area. However, the Corcoran College of Art + Design has a certificate in interior design. I get that and try to get a job at a design firm or furniture store.
I've always thought I would be very, very good at being a lawyer. I'm very logical, methodical and good at arguing and critical thought. The main reason I never considered law school is because when I was in grade school, every day when my dad got home he asked me "how was law school today?" (Did no one ever explain to him the concept of reverse psychology?!?) It's not like he ever seriously pressured me to go to law school, but he's a lawyer and he probably recognized I would make a good one too. (We have always argued like cats and dogs!) So I could do to one of the many law schools in the area and get a job as an attorney. The upside is I could actually make decent money on my own, which would be quite psychologically rewarding given my dilemma regarding the family money situation. There's also a lot of areas of the law that interest me - immigration, civil rights, reproductive rights, gender/sexuality equality, etc. I could even teach law school. But what happens if I hate it? How can I be sure I won't?
Finally, I could get the kind of "real" job people with graduate degrees in political science and international relations get. Think tanks, policy research groups, hell . . . even an analyst position at the CIA. Part of me just wants to give in and do this. But would I be happy in the "real world"?
So, friends, please weight in. What in the frak should I do with my life??? Should I finish the Ph.D in political science and then move on or just chuck it all now? And what should I do next if I ditch political science? And am I a total crazy, whiny, looser for not getting off my ass and being a lazy grad student for all these years?
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3 comments:
Knowing you as well as I do, these are my thoughts:
1. Out of all of the options you mentioned, the one that strikes me the most "Kara" is the certificate in interior design from the Corcoran. You LOVE this topic. It's fun. You can mold interior designing to your schedule. Heck, you could even go into business with your hubby. If you want to take time off to have a kid, you can take time off. If you want to go on vacation, you tell your client you'll be on vacation for X days and you'll talk with them when you return. Plus, you wouldn't have to sit behind a desk all day, you would be able to talk to people, and you would be able to help people. This is my vote.
2. My second pick for you would be to just suck it up and write the dissertation. Once you have a PhD you can do something else with that on your resume. Don't go into academia, just check it off and move on. (I still think you should choose my option #1, instead.)
3. Do NOT go to law school. Yes, the study of law would interest you. One day you would graduate, though, and you would not want to be a lawyer. You would hate it.
4. Do NOT go into another PhD program. Life is too short. You would burn out on that topic, too. Plus, you'd spend another six years wondering if you made the right choice. That's no fun.
5. Another choice you didn't put on here but that I think is worthy as an option ... just write about cultural studies. Write books on whatever pop culture subject your heart desires. Your mom doesn't have a PhD in ghost-ology, but she sure is an expert. If you want to study and write about cultural things, just do it.
Being a procrastinator myself, I'm certainly glad I don't have a book to write. I think part of the procrastination is perfectionism, that 'right now' I don't have the right idea/information/energy to do something.
So, changing the goal from 'great paper' to 'ideas/information I want to share' is one way of doing it. Personally, I'm interested in this global warming situation, and the new technologies and businesses that will help society counter it. So I pick something that I want to talk about and get others excited in, and then figure out how to make it work in the context of the assignment that needs to be done.
I've gotten a few assignments done that way in the past year. While they didn't get the highest possible grades, I'm still really happy with them, as it's stuff I'm excited about and I took the opportunity to share them with other people.
Sean
I think you should concentrate on finishing your PH.D. Just get that out of the way. Don't worry about what you will do afterwards. Maybe when the Ph.D.is done your mind will have new perspectives.
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